Thoughts on life and the
colour Orange ~ November 16
…going through journals from very, very early elementary school, probably grade 1 or 2, with my friend Fanifau. I came across this journal, one of those little Hilroy notebooks that's half-blank and half-lined where you'd practice writing in one area and drawing in the other. (I LOVED those little books.)
That day we were given a task.
Choose your favourite colour, and, using that colour, in crayon, draw pictures with it, and write about why it’s your favourite colour.
Somehow I got orange – and in the picture area I drew some lips, (I must have just learned how to draw lips), and some other things, maybe an entirely orange rainbow, maybe a sun. Beneath the pictures I wrote, and I quote here:
“Orange is my favourite colour. I love orange. I WOULD DIE WITHOUT IT.”
This is who I am.
Now, I don’t remember even LIKING the colour orange let alone having it as my favourite colour. Maybe it was the last colour left in the box. (I WAS shy after all – no seriously – I was… that may have been in part due to the eye-patch I had to wear, or a constant fear of having to wear corrective shoes for having pigeon-toes… that never did happen.) Whatever the case, in the moment, I meant EVERY word of that with EVERY fibre of my being, and I always will.
‘Fau and I both laughed until we cried. When I was at my youngest I was a concentrated version of myself – and as I get older the years creep in and settle a little bit of that out – always leaving the original formula but making things a little easier to swallow. Not watered-down but perhaps mixed with something a touch smoother.
Things hold less intensity – not because they are less important – but because in order to get through day-to-day life I’ve had to learn to let go of some things or ways of thinking a little bit.
I still believe in what I believe in with every single fibre, to my bones, but, perhaps, and hopefully, these days, a little less to my own detriment… and with less of a weight. There is a bright side to the dark – but I can look at both with equal respect – and I realize that I truly know very little about much at all – and I look at that with bright eyes eager to learn and see.
I keep hearing that I don’t look 29 and that makes me unreasonably happy considering that when I was younger I always seemed much older. Whatever the case, I dig it. I think it may be less in the physical look as it is in the outlook. Things are funny. Laugh at them. It’s okay. We’re all in this together. We’ll understand and keep you in our wings. We are humans and we laugh and love and cry and disdain together – and it’s beautiful.
We lost a great friend this year in Corner Brook in Shannon. He is someone that I will always remember with a smile through a tear who loved people without judgement, and had a humour and glimmer in his eyes that I think all of us could learn from, who seemed to know all of this just by existing - and I am reminded to tell everyone I know and love each day how much I appreciate them - and for that lesson I am eternally grateful.
Thank you for another year of knowing you, everybody, and thank you for being yourselves.